myPhone
So...hows it going? As usual, its been a while. It is a bit tough to blog in my free time when I dont have Internet at home, but I have no excuse anymore. Im sitting on the couch in the bus on the way to Angola, Indiana. I have this wonderful contraption called an iPhone with a wonderful app called WordPress, and thats what brings me to you today. I intend to invite you into my world more often with words and hopefully pictures as well. Micah and a friend of his have begun writing a book about growing up as pastors kids, and it made me wonder if Id ever reach a point in my life at which I felt like I had something worth writing (and worth reading). I figured maybe I could stir up the creative writing juices by reviving the ol blog. Ha...I think if you read the past number of posts, youll realize that Im a portrait of good intentions. How many times have I said Id be regular again? Anybody got some creative Metamucil?
11 Months
It's been almost 11 months since my last blog post, so I figured maybe it was about time I reappeared from under the cloak of silence. I still haven't graduated from college. I still work at East Side Church of God. I still play in two country bands. So basically, not a whole lot has changed. I do live in a new house with a new roommate, however. Still only a block from campus, though.
Blogging effectively is tough for me. Maybe that's why I haven't attempted it in a while. Honestly, I'm not convinced anyone really cares about the chronicle of my life anyway. Plus, I'd rather experience life with people than tell them about it on my blog. That being said, I would like to come up with a purpose for this blog, rather than it just being a "here's what I did today." I suppose I could review music, but honestly I don't get new stuff very often. I could share pictures, but normally that requires a camera. I could share interesting articles, links, and tidbits that I find on the web, but that sort of thing is better suited to Twitter or Tumblr, both of which I have. Am I at a loss for ideas? So far, yes. Now's where you leave me a comment with your ideas for a purpose for this blog. Go!
Resignation and Reading
Well, I've pretty much resigned to the thought that I could be a regular blogger. As many times as I've said it, you'd think I'd follow through. I shall henceforth be known as The Occasional Blogger, even if I'm the only one to ever refer to myself as such. I probably could also call myself The Guy Who Complains About Not Blogging Enough Every Time He Does Blog, but that's quite a mouthful, so let's stick with the former, okay?
On to bigger and better things...
I am now once again a reader. Well, that might be a bit of a stretch, but I'm getting there. I remember a time when, if given the choice, I'd choose to read for fun. My imagination was filled with the stories of the Boxcar Children and the Hardy Boys, not to mention Aslan and crew from the Chronicles of Narnia. Unfortunately, those days ended when I started 5th grade at a new school. Suddenly, I learned what homework was and forgot what reading was. Well, now that I am no longer a student of any formal institution, I have the responsibility of making the choice to continue my education on my own. I suppose that's what life is all about, but I feel like I'll probably benefit a bit more by being proactive about it versus just breezing on through. So anyway, I thought I'd share a couple lists with you. The first one is fairly short, a list of books I've been working on recently:
C.S. Lewis - A Grief Observed (completed), The Great Divorce, and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (re-reading)
John Eldredge - Wild at Heart (completed)
Mark Batterson - In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day
I set aside The Great Divorce a while back, in favor of Wild at Heart, but now that it's complete, I'll get back to it. I needed a break from deeply thoughtful reading, so I decided to invoke my imagination and re-read The Chronicles of Narnia. I don't have to sort through syntax to get to the meaning; I can just immerse myself in the story, and I love that. Reading those books is like watching a movie to me. Anyway, the second list is my "To read" list. They're just sitting there on my shelf, waiting for me. We'll see how long this takes.
Erwin McManus - The Barbarian Way
Becky Tirabassi - Sacred Obsession (for student ministries next fall)
John Piper - The Passion of Jesus Christ
Steve Brown - A Scandalous Freedom
Gene Edwards - A Tale of Three Kings (re-read)
Ron Owens - Return to Worship
Bill Hybels - Too Busy Not to Pray
Rory Noland - The Heart of the Artist (I've tried to read this a number of times and just never finished)
Robert Ludlum - The Bourne Supremacy (Same story here) and The Bourne Ultimatum
Thom S. Rainer & Eric Geiger - Simple Church
C.S. Lewis - Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, The Problem of Pain, Miracles, and the rest of The Chronicles of Narnia
I'm sure that list is incomplete, but those are all the books and I can think of at this point. I've also been recommended The Shack, but I don't have it, so I'll have to borrow from someone.
Ok, I think that's enough for today. I need to leave in 20 minutes for Pendleton, and I want to get a chapter or two more done in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
For Narnia and for Aslan!
Motivation
Sometimes I have more of it, and sometimes I don't. It's sad really. I want to be a (much) more disciplined person. Discipline is an incredible virtue. Even something as simple as keeping my blog updated seems too much of a chore far too often. I suppose whether the latest post was written within the last few months isn't going to make or break me as a person, but I'd venture to say that it could be a fairly accurate representation of the level of motivation I have for other, more vital, activities, such as, say, finishing my graduation requirements, piano practice, songwriting, working out/eating healthy, and time with God. Now, I now the word "motivation" implies some feeling that promises a positive result, and I realize that discipline has not much to do with feelings. In fact, discipline, more often than not, acts in spite of feelings. Maybe that's where patience comes in. I think I'd feel motivated if I had enough patience to wait for the reward. But sadly, I often settle for "good enough." The funny thing, though, is that this isn't a universal principle for me. Sometimes I find myself so unwilling to settle for "good enough" that I don't even try, either because I realize I'll never achieve in that area or because I convince myself that I can if I wait long enough (i.e. "There's something better out there for me."). I hope that makes sense. I guess that this is sort an exploratory post, a pseudo-psychological expedition into the vast expanse that is the way I think and work. It's probably about time I do this. It would be a shame if I went much longer without figuring myself out.
One thing I do know, however, is that I want to love people and love what I do. Maybe therein lies my motivation.
Psalm 139 (NIV)
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
So Just Breathe
It's funny really. Every time I'm up way too late, I usually end up getting the song "Breathe (2AM)" by Anna Nalick stuck in my head. Then what usually happens is that I look at the clock and find that it is, indeed, just about 2 in the A.M. Weird, I know. You know what else usually happens when I'm up way too late? I start thinking about what little sleep I will be getting even if I were to go to bed immediately, and it makes me feel worse because I know I'll feel exhausted tomorrow. Then when I wake up in the morning, I find that I was right about how I'd feel. It's a pretty vicious cycle, and to be honest, I'm not much of a fan. There's something to be said about staying up late if there's a reason such as work that needs to be done, friends that need to be talked to or hung out with, or an indefinite (but definitely late) wake-up time. Anyway, here I find myself once again in the same situation. If there wasn't Wi-Fi where I'm currently living, I'd have been dead to the world for a few hours by now, but alas, I find myself distracted. I actually wish that was the case. I usually can't seem to pull myself away in a timely manner, and tonight is no different.
Anyway, since I hadn't blogged in a while, I thought I'd stop in and say hi. I am currently living with Pastor Mick (my worship pastor and boss) while I make some life decisions, including one regarding where to live. I've been enjoying a summer of playing country music with Cook and Belle and working at the church. I was recently reminded by a commenter on this blog that I had made a list of everyone I could think of who was engaged (found in my October 15, '06 post). That list had, I believe, 13 people on it, and I do believe most, if not all, of them are now married. Also married are some other people who I did not include in the list either because I didn't know they were engaged at the time or I simply couldn't remember them while writing the list. I could get all emo and cry about how I'm still single and really not content with it, but I won't. You probably are thanking me for not going there, which means we are becoming closer and friendlier. (If that's the case, and you're a single, attractive female, call me.)
That is all. Must...go...to...bed. Night.
Something Disturbing and Something Amazing…
First of all, I am appalled by this, but I wanted to share it in case you were unaware people like this exist:
These people are from Westboro Baptist Church. I am sad that I even had to type that URL, but I wanted to share it with you. Click around on the site, and you'll find more and more outrageous claims. Man, that saddens me.
On a lighter note, I want to work at Google:
That is all.
Reality
It's funny. No, I'm not referring to the fact that this is my second post of the new year, and it's not even a week in. I didn't even make a resolution... What I am referring to is how things change when one stops and takes inventory. A moment ago, I came upstairs from hanging out with my brother, watching Scrubs, which, by the way, I find quite amusing. Anyway, my e-mail inbox said I had a new wall post on Facebook from a friend of mine whom I knew was going to be gone for the next semester. It turns out he's already gone. Plus, a couple of my other friends will be doing the same thing quite soon. They're all following different musical pursuits now that they've graduated. You'd think that it would be no big deal right? Well, not exactly. You see, these guys have kinda been my musical compadres for the past while, and honestly, (pull out your tissues) I'm going to miss them. Of course, they'll probably be back, and there's a good chance we'll be playing together again as early as this summer, but I guess I'm sad they won't be a part of my last semester of college. In many ways, I've never felt as respected with anyone else as I have with them (which is strange because in many other ways, we are so different and would have never been friends had it not been for music, which speaks to the efficacy of the art), at least in the same way. On some level, we understand each other unlike I feel I've ever been understood.
But to get really honest, that isn't the root issue here. It's the combination of a number of things. Have I accomplished anything? Have I grown and changed? Have I risked and invested? Do I have any friends who will actually care at least a bit when I'm gone? Will my life turn out like it should, or will I screw it up? Was it worth four years of my life and thousands of dollars of my parents' money (and eventually mine once I start paying off loans)? Does my family know I love them and owe them the world but don't really know how to show it? Am I ready to move on into real life? Maybe it's the fact that it's 2:30 in the morning, and I should be sleeping, but I guess you could say I'm in a pensive mood. I just want to make a difference and live without regrets. And more than anything, I'm scared of being alone, which is something I'd much rather share with a friend or a special someone who is more than a friend, but at this point, I don't have the latter, and I question the former. My phone sits silent most of the time, unless someone needs something, and not very often does my computer make that fun whooshing sound, announcing an incoming instant message. Man, it's a good thing no one reads this, or you'd probably consider this an invitation to my pity party and then slap me for being such an idiot. I am being serious, but realize that I don't intend to over-dramatize it. I just think about these things sometimes, and the closer I become to a college graduate, the more they shift to the foreground. It is good to know, or at least to assume, that there are other people who process these same things. And of course, if I could figure out how to surrender control, there is One who can take care of it and me. I guess I'm not alone.
Matt